shitmydadsays (shitmydadsays)
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"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
about 11 days ago from web -
"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
about a month ago from web -
"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
about a month ago from web -
"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."
about 2 months ago from web -
"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
about 2 months ago from web -
"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."
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"I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old."
about 3 months ago from web -
“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
about 3 months ago from web -
"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."
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“It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d fuck you twice if they had another dick.”
about 3 months ago from web -
"I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.”
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"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants."
about 4 months ago from web -
"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?"
about 4 months ago from web -
"Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole."
about 4 months ago from web -
"Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I'm not paying for one. Fucking. Copy. Mine's free." http://shitmydadsays.com/book
about 4 months ago from web -
"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
about 4 months ago from web -
"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."
about 4 months ago from web -
"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
about 5 months ago from web -
"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
about 5 months ago from web -
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
about 5 months ago from web
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