shitmydadsays (shitmydadsays) , page 2
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"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
about 6 months ago from web -
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
about 6 months ago from web -
"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor."
about 6 months ago from web -
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
about 7 months ago from web -
"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
about 7 months ago from web -
"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."
about 7 months ago from web -
"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
about 7 months ago from web -
"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."
about 7 months ago from web -
"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife."
about 7 months ago from web -
“Calm down. You don’t just grab a ruler and tell everyone to whip their dicks out. You stuff your crotch and keep your pants on.”
about 7 months ago from web -
"Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?... Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle."
about 8 months ago from web -
"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."
about 8 months ago from web -
"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."
about 8 months ago from web -
"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$
about 8 months ago from web -
"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."
about 8 months ago from web -
"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of shit in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."
about 8 months ago from web -
"I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."
about 8 months ago from web -
"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."
about 8 months ago from web -
“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."
about 8 months ago from web -
"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed."
about 9 months ago from web
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