justin

Notices

1. I saw the first promo for the show during a pre-season Chargers v. Saints game. I had turned the game off originally, because the defense of the Chargers (My favorite team) looked like eleven guys who met each other while tailgating and decided "Dude, we should totally try to form a team or something? After we finish these hotdogs though, right?" Then I turned it back on later and saw Bryant Gumbel voice over the promo, followed by a huge image of William Shatner. I wasn't really expecting it, and I reacted instinctively as a football fan, which was to say "Gah, get this stupid promo off the screen and go back to the game." Then I caught myself, and immediately began lying and telling myself people will enjoy having the game interrupted to watch the promo.

   about 4 days ago from web

2. We've shot three episodes now of the show. I think/hope we're starting to find a groove. So far the coolest thing to happen to me is that William Shatner did an impression of me. I guess it sort of sounded like a thirteen year old girl with a deviated septum, but it was probably the highest honor I've ever received. It's awesome to see how much people love Shatner. People come to the tapings dressed in shirts with his face on it, then when he comes out, they scream like they're having an orgasm just as someone hands them a briefcase filled with a million dollars. I seriously feel like he could grab the mic and tell the audience "Earlier today I decided to run over a group of puppies in my car," and it would be met by uproarious applause. The thing is, the guy is so unbelievably thankful and gracious to his fans. It's pretty cool to see.

   about 8 days ago from web in context

3. I went to the Television Critics Association junket last Wednesday. Basically it's where all the TV critics from different outlets, come and ask you questions about your show. Lucky for me I was sitting next to William Shatner, which means no one really asked me much. Afterward, there's a party with the critics and all the stars of the shows. The cast of Dexter was there, and I thought about going up and saying hi, but realized all I had to say to them was "Man, your show is awesome," and that would have been followed by a thank you and then awkward silence. So, I just hung out in the corner for most of the party. The other thing I noticed is that if you're an attractive young female that stars on a television show, you're allowed to dress like a hooker and instead of people saying "Are you a hooker?" they say "I love that dress, where'd you get it?"

   about a month ago from web

4. Haven't updated in a little while due to being out of town and working. I just realized after re-reading that first sentence, who gives a shit. That's the equivalent of a news anchor telling you the other news anchor has the night off. Anyway, did The Early Show this morning with Julie Chen. It was at 5:00 a.m., so right after, I went home from the studio and went to sleep, then had a dream I did the Early Show and drove home and went to sleep. When I actually woke up, I was so confused that it took me about to a minute to realize who and where I was. I promise to update a bit more often, when I have interesting or funny stuff to say. Hopefully that's more than just once every two weeks. I'm going to be seeing Mr. Shatner more often, so that should be the case.

   about a month ago from web

5. I will be doing a book signing at the Skylight book store in Los Feliz in Los Angeles. It's a really cool local bookstore and they were nice enough to allow me to do a signing there. If you are interested there are more details here. http://www.skylightbooks.com/event/justin-halpern-discusses-and-signs-his-book-sht-my-dad-says I think I'm no longer allowed to bug friends and family to come to these things, so this may be the one signing where one of my friends doesn't raise their hand and ask a question about whether or not I'm "doing chicks 'cause your nerd famous."

   about 2 months ago from web

6. Also, thanks for all the nice emails I've received from people. I've tried to get back to everybody as quickly as I could. I have to say my favorite email was from a guy named Brad who thanked me for writing chapters that take the length of time of one shit to read. I had no idea I'd done that, but that is basically my greatest accomplishment in life. I would like that to be part of my author bio on the Harper Collins website but I'm guessing I will be denied.

   about 2 months ago from web

7. I just wanted to say thanks to someecards.com who put together a version of someecards with quotes from my dad. I asked my dad if he was cool with his likeness being on these things, and after 45 minutes of trying to explain to him what they were, he just gave up and walked away and said "I said forty five minutes ago, I don't give a shit. Do what you want." So, anyway, here you go. Hope you enjoy them. http://www.someecards.com/2010/06/28/Justin-Halpern-Sam-Halpern-Shit-My-Dad-Says-Twitter-Twitter-Feed-William-Shatner-CBS-Book

   about 2 months ago from web

8. I ran in to Rob Corddry at a Best Buy the other day. Rob was basically the first celebrity to find the twitter page and tweet it. His tweet sent the site viral. Couldn't have been a nicer guy, even though I'm pretty sure I seemed like a spazz. We've started writing the show and our offices are on the Warner Brothers lot. The tour bus for the studio goes past our office about every thirty minutes. It's awesome to have writer's bloc and then a tour bus goes by and over the P.A., I hear the tour guide say "And here's a show, believe it or not, based off of a kid who just twitters the waaaaacky things his dad says. I mean, can you believe it?!" I'm waiting for the moment where the tour guide adds "I mean, what an asshole!"

   about 2 months ago from web

9. Yesterday was father's day and for the first time since I can remember, I didn't spend it with my father. My very best friend got married out of the country and i was flying home from that. But a week earlier I celebrated Father's day with my dad. "It's just a day. Who gives a shit when we celebrate it. I just want to eat prime rib and bullshit with you." was his response to me. So we did, and he enjoyed it, and I gave him his present, and for the first time he liked it. "You're also picking up the god damned dinner check, don't think the present gets you out of that," he said, then laughed until he started coughing and needed water. In other news, I wrote a piece that ran in the L.A. Times yesterday. It was a story that was going to run in the book, but didn't really work thematically. Yes, that's right, in my own delusional world I think my book had themes. Here's the piece if you're interested. http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-halpern-fathers-day-20100620,0,5913202.story

   about 2 months ago from web

10. I just found out today that my book has hit #1 on the New York Times best seller list! I am in disbelief. Such a huge thank you is owed to all of you who bought and read the book and told other people about it. Without you, I'm living in my parents house, trying to figure out times when they're not home so I can masturbate. Apparently I narrowly edged out Laura Bush's book. I really hope that when she sees the list and goes "What in the hell is 'Shit My Dad Says?' she turns and looks at George and he's reading it. I told my dad about selling more copies this week than her and he said "Trust me, she doesn't give a fuck. She could have you killed."

    about 3 months ago from web

11. Just FYI for anybody that lives in San Diego, I'm doing a book signing at Warwick's books in La Jolla tonight at 7:30. Also FYI, the woman who will be waiting in line, holding ten books for me to sign, is my mom. No one likes me THAT much. Also, just to let you know so you don't get disappointed, my dad will NOT be there tonight. He's never there any night, but I would just hate for people to show up hoping to see him, and then it's just me going "Hey, so, um, I'm going to read a story now from the book about getting caught with porno. So, here goes and stuff." (Yes, that's basically my talk up. You'd think I would have mastered the whole public speaking thing at this point).

    about 3 months ago from web

12. I'm trying to work with the guys who built this website for me, to get a comments section up and running. That way, I can be made fun of by you, the reader, or you can ask me any questions you might have. Not that you would have any, but if you did, I'd try and answer them. To be honest, I have no idea if anyone even reads this. My brother said he reads it "occasionally." So, I guess that means there's one person. Occasionally. Anyway, if there are people out there who do read it and you have any questions about the book, or the tv show, or you just want to tell me that you've found a picture of an emaciated celebrity that I look like, you can do so at shitquestions@gmail.com. Yes, that was the best I could come up with. I'll try and respond to the questions in the blog.

    about 3 months ago from web

13. I spent about 8 hours with William Shatner a few days ago. He's an unbelievably smart guy. We were having a conversation about the rewrite of the pilot and he made a really great point and I said "I agree with what Mr. Shatner's saying" and he goes "Please. I think we've come far enough. It's Bill." Previous to that, the greatest moment in my life that included a celebrity was when I waited tables on Al from Home Improvement and he said "I like your tie. Also, I think the men's bathroom is out of toilet paper." This ranks waaaaay above that.

    about 3 months ago from web

14. Just wanted to give a quick shout to a few websites and people who were cool enough to help me out. I have an excerpt on Gizmodo, http://gizmodo.com/5554553/do-not-be-a-goddamned-liar-from-sht-my-dad-says-the-book , featuring the awesome talents of artist Wendy Macnaughton, http://wendymacnaughton.com/ . I also did a song list of songs my dad likes, and why he likes them at http://sets.songza.com/set/shit-my-dad-says?source=vsl , so thank you to all of those people for helping me promote the book. In other news, I am about to start reading a book my dad wrote 40-ish years ago after he got out of Vietnam, about his time in Vietnam. A few years ago, I had asked him if I could read it and he said "It's fucking shitty. Don't bother." But I got my hands on a copy so I'm going to take a read. I honestly don't know much about the guy before I came in to the picture.

    about 3 months ago from web

15. I just did the Chelsea Handler show, which was a lot of fun. She was incredibly nice. My dad actually sort of knows who she is, in that he sees her name in the New York Times book list on occasion. "She writes about screwing or something, right?" is what he said when I told him I was going on the show. An excerpt from the book ran on Gizmodo.com today. I really like that website, so it was cool that they let me post a piece on there. I also saw that the trailer for the show was put up online. Yikes, that trailer made me want to kick myself in the nuts. It's definitely weird taking the twitter page and the book, two very honest and rough around the edges things, and figuring out the best way to do them in a multi-camera. Luckily, there's no laugh track, but there is a live studio audience. I showed it to a friend and he was like "Laugh track, fucking lame dude." I was like "no, i swear, we didn't have a laugh track. Those are audience members," to which he replied "Whoa. Calm down, Jesus."

    about 3 months ago from web

16. I have to say, it's strange working on a television show about your life. I think anyone writing anything has the goal of writing something that's entertaining, but when it's about your life, you REALLY don't want it to suck. We've gone through quite a few drafts of the script and continue to do so, and every time we go through it, I have a moment where I think "Good god, I'm a terrible writer. What the hell was I thinking with this line?" The shocking thing is that I'm always surprised a shitty line is in there. It'd be like if you made yourself a sandwich, then took a bite and spit it out and looked to find that you had tossed a piece of dog shit in between two slice of turkey breast. "That's weird. Why did I put dog shit in here? That makes no sense. I hate dog shit."

    about 3 months ago from web

17. Our show got picked up! I seriously can not believe it. We're going to be on on thursdays at 8:30 after Big Bang Theory. I actually got to go to New York for the CBS upfronts where they announced the show. My writing partner and I booked a hotel on travelocity and showed up to find out it was a youth hostel and there were two bathrooms per floor, and one full size bed in our room. There was also a hole in the wall above our bed that looked eerily similar to that of a prostitutes head. I walked to the communal bathroom, and some weird 40-ish year old dude with a beard had the door to his room open and the ground were 3 crockpots, all cooking something. I like slow roasted foods, but I don't like them THAT much. Warner Brothers found out on our last day we were staying there and got us a room at a nice hotel, so that was cool of them. Also, I saw Tom Selleck. That's a man right there, folks. He's so good looking my penis attempted to turn itself into a vagina, before I reminded it I like girls.

    about 3 months ago from web

18. So, the SMDS facebook page, which I never had control over (Someone was nice enough to start a fan page) went down and wasn't updating the tweets, so Harper Collins took control of it so we could start updating again, but facebook didn't tell us it would clear all the previously tweets. So when you go to the facebook page and it only has the book tweet, we're working to put the other ones and your comments, back up. I promise you I am not a total dick face who's like "Now I have a book, everyone has to pay for everything I've ever done MWAHAHAHA (maniacal laugh)." There's probably other reasons I'm a dick face, but that's not one of them. So, sorry for the inconvenience, it'll be back up hopefully shortly. Also, thank you for making me a New York Times Best seller! I can not believe it. Even my dad was impressed. I told him and he goes "New York Fucking Times. Fantastic." Then turned on the news.

    about 4 months ago from web

19. I just did a book signing in San Diego, my home town. Thanks to everyone who came out. I was definitely pretty nervous and had no idea what to talk about. It was a lot of "so, um, do you guys like, want me to read from the book or something?" and then a woman in front of me said "sure." So then I did. Tomorrow I do a signing at the Vroman's book store in Pasadena, Ca. I'll try not to suck as hard.

    about 4 months ago from web

20. The book has done really well so far, so thanks to everyone out there who purchased it! Hope it didn't suck, or if it did, you can use it to level a table. I did an interview on NPR yesterday that was pretty fun. I had to use my NPR voice, which is essentially when you take your normal voice, and then act as if you work in a library and someone's asked you where the history section is. I just watched my segment on Carson Daly and realized I said the word "like" about 500 times in four minutes. I think the only way I could have sounded like more of a dumbass is if I used a quote from a Creed song to sum up my feelings on the book release.

    about 4 months ago from web